It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
