I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
