Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
