I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
