Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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