How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Just saw 2 very young girls abandon baby buggys in the Xwalk to fight. Gotta love Holyoke.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
