My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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