Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Randomize
