Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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