There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I need water and some morals
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
