i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
