So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
