Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
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