I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
