Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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