the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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