My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Do vagina's smell?
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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