are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
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