So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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