Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
