He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
