I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
