Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize
