Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Randomize
