its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Randomize
