cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
