I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
