How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
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