Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
