i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
