I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
