ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
