hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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