i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
