At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
