You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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