he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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