she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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