Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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