Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
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