you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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