But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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