I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
