These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
