I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
