I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
