So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
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