If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
sarcasm needs its own font
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
what is it with giant penises always finding me
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
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