how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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