Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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